Episode 1: My Story

*Caution: The following blog series is saturated with a whole lot of vulnerability. On my part. I’ve been wanting to write something on this for some time now, but have been putting it off. I’m taking a chance and being vulnerable so maybe you’ll feel empowered to do the same, friend. So please read the following with an open mind and an open heart.*

It was around 10:30 pm, just after my parents and I had finished our nightly ritual of a Criminal Minds episode after dinner. It was my last night at home before leaving to launch for Costa Rica, and there was a sadness lingering in the air, as there often is when a hard goodbye is coming quicker than you'd like it to. I don’t know how it got started, but somehow, a conversation began and I voiced something that had been stewing in my heart for quite some time. It had to do with my identity. 

For all of my Race so far, identity has been a prominent theme. The Lord has been working in different ways surrounding that area. In the beginning, He really stripped away the facade I had been putting up for so long and exposed the fact that I always put my identity in the people surrounding me or the things I did. Then, He showed me and walked me through putting my identity in Him alone and building a foundation based off of that. That’s been a long process to walk through, and it’s still underway. But recently, as I’ve pursued this idea of “discovering” my true self, I’ve also discovered a lot of insecurity and questions that lie underneath. 

As some of the readers of this blog may know, I grew up on the mission field. A missionary kid. Or, another term that some may be less familiar with: Third Culture Kid (TCK). Essentially, Third Culture Kid refers to the way that missionary kids create a third culture, based off the culture they’re originally “from” and the culture they currently live in.

When you're a TCK, it's often hard to know where you belong or where you have a place; it's confusing.There's this weird dichotomy of knowing you don't fit in where you live, but doing everything you can to try to fit in anyways. Even though my parents are off the mission field now, I think I’ll forever be a Third Culture Kid.

Being back overseas has brought up a lot about that. Living abroad as a foreigner, you’re taught to lay low, to blend in, and to assimilate to the culture you live in. And even though I’ve been living in the States for several years now, I think that mindset has just been ingrained into the way I behave, act, and live my life.

It’s always been hard for me to stand out or be assertive. I have rarely ever taken time to form opinions, let alone voice them. I think that’s because I’ve seen how differentiating opinions have caused division and I don’t want my own opinions to be an engine for that.  I’ve suppressed a lot of who I am because of the desire to fit in and be liked. Something that’s followed as a result of that is a big people-pleasing and performance mentality. I’ve believed a lot of lies, too. Lies that I am a nobody, that I don’t bring anything to the table, that I'm fake. 

*Disclaimer: I’m not saying all of this behavior directly correlates to my life overseas, but I think it definitely relates in some ways, and I’ve just begun to realize that.*

In that conversation with my parents, I voiced how frustrated I was with this part of who I am. I voiced that I was so sick and tired and fed up with wanting to please everyone. I also realized I felt that I had lost myself through all of this and wanted to find her but I didn’t know how.  

My parents get it. They had to go through all the same things, too. And wow, I just love them a lot. They both said something along the lines of: 

“It takes that step of saying you’re done. Done bending over backwards to please others or perform for them. Once you do that, it will be a process, but you’ll discover more of who you are and who God made you to be.”

A good word. But in that moment, I realized I was scared. Scared of who I would be when the layers were peeled back. When it stopped being about others and how I fit it with them, and when it started being about just living fully out of my God-given identity. Yes, I was scared. But there was an underlying excitement, like going on some glorious treasure hunt. The fear, I knew, would not stop me. This journey of discovery was not optional; it was something I could not push to the side any longer. 

So that’s just a little bit of what the Lord’s walking mw through in my identity right now. How to hold on to a part of me, the TCK part of me, without holding onto the behaviors that brought about in me. How to walk in who He’s called me to be and releasing my fear of man. Like most journeys, it’s a process and it’s slow. A take-it-day-by-day kind of deal.

What is keeping you from walking out your identity in Christ? I encourage you to sit on that and bring it to the Lord. It might be scary, but it’s worth it.

Thanks for coming alongside me in this series. My prayer is that as I walk through this journey of discovering my identity, you might discover some of yours, too. 

As always, if you have comments or questions, reach out! Much love, 

Emma 

emmasnowaustin@gmail.com