So, here I am.

On another red-eye to Georgia. Kinda seems like I’ve done this before. 

Oh wait, I have. Pretty much exactly four months ago. 

Four months seems like a pretty insignificant amount of time in the grand scheme of things. But oh, how things can change. And oh, how things have changed.

A couple of blog posts ago, I wrote about what my season in Gainesville, GA taught me. The Lord has worked in AMAZING ways. I know that from these four months, I am changed. I didn’t come home the same person.

Yet through of all the miracles and growth, something has been nagging me. At this point in my Race, I would’ve liked to receive the clarity I thought I needed for my future. But I haven’t. 

In a recent conversation, I was asked if I knew what I would be doing after the Race. I replied with my usual string of run-on sentences that disclosed my desire to go to college, my many interests, and a variety of fields I would be interested in going into. It was a suitable answer, I thought. 

In that moment I realized I hated answering like that. It seemed like some sorry attempt to portray the idea that I have it pretty much figured out, that I have it all together. It was also an attempt to please or gratify the asker of the question. And it wasn’t honest.

I added: “Actually, I’m feeling kind of lost”.

Instantly, a rush of freedom. How liberating it is when we are honest with not only others but ourselves as well!

Yes, the Lord has unmistakably and undeniably shown up in these past four months. I’ve never ever felt closer to him in my life. But the truth remains: I am lost. 

Society tells us that to be lost is a thing to avoid. That to be lost means to be purposeless: a wandering soul with no destination in mind. Society looks down on the lost. Society says the lost must be on their way to being found, and if they’re not, they’ve failed.

Is it really all that bad though? 

The question I’ve been asking myself lately is: what if life is found in the lostness? What if lost and found are not two separate spaces, but coexist together? By this I mean that when one is lost, could they also be found at the same time? 

I think that’s the way it is living life with Jesus. People who follow the Lord often look lost. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Sometimes, the direction the Lord gives you just doesn’t make sense in the eyes of the world. Taking a gap year instead of going to college might even look lost to some. 

I’m that person taking a gap year. And like I’ve already said, I’m lost! You might be too. I think that in some way or another, we are all lost. But what if we were okay with that? What if instead of avoiding the inevitable feeling of lost at all costs, we wholeheartedly embraced it? 

My sister recently shared this quote with me:

“The practice of getting lost has nothing to do with wanting to go there. It is something that happens, like it or not. You lose your job. Your lover leaves. The baby dies. At this level, the advanced practice of getting lost consists of consenting to be lost, since you have no other choice. The consenting itself becomes a choice, as you explore the possibility that life is for you and not against you, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.” -An Altar in the World, Barbara Brown Taylor

Not having a plan and a direction is hard for me. Extremely difficult. But I think I’m on my way to being okay with that. I’m on my way to consenting to being lost and just walking with Jesus. One step at a time. Doing life with him. Because, well, that’s more than enough and that’s all I want. That‘s where I’m found. I’m lost, yes, but I’m found.

In what areas do you feel lost? What steps can you take to embrace that? What is the Lord showing you through the lostness?

Thanks for following along with my journey, friend! I appreciate you. I’m on my way to Georgia where I’ll be there a few days before launching to Costa Rica! How exciting! Please pray for safe travels for my squad and I!

God bless! 

Emma 

emmasnowaustin@gmail.com